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Sunday, June 13, 2010

11 Days, 11 Nights...

Can't believe it's been 11 days since my last post.  Not much has really changed or transpired... I skipped my weigh in last week (my one free pass).  I start work tomorrow - guess that's a big deal.  Little Dude will be in tow with me.  I just spent the past hour trying to figure out how to use the baby sling I received as a gift 6 years ago with Lil Q - never figured it out then, but after watching an online video (yes, it's that complex), I think I got it.  And, it will help me free up my hands so I can hold him and work in office at the same time. 

Returning to work has me completely stressed - stomach in knots - random tears, the works.  He's coming with me, so it isn't that... it's just knowing the baby moon is almost over -- knowing I have to somehow balance getting things done and keeping a newborn from crying for 12 hours a week (yes, I know I'm lucky it's only 4 hours a day for 3 days...) and having to deal with the crap shoot that is my job again.  We didn't win the lottery while I was on leave, so I have to return.

All this extra stress and I added more by not losing any weight in these past 11 days.  I'm staying about the same on the crappy home scale at 140.5 lbs.  Have to go weigh in tomorrow for the contest - and for new motivation.  I went shopping yesterday for new work clothes with the girls to be my fashion advisers.  I found a nice first outfit at JCPenney, but they were so busy and overrun with people, I didn't buy it and went to Maurices - one of my all time favorite stores. 

I was pleasantly surprised to find that during my maternity leave they had remodeled and doubled the size of the store! However, the thrills soon ended when I started trying on clothes.  I fit into a 7/8, but even the 9/10 was causing too much muffin top.  My butt isn't the problem - nor my thighs -- it's still the extra thick waist and extra skin.  Ugh.  I couldn't bring myself to purchase an 11/12.  I left after trying on a few things... Now, I should have bought a few things - and those size 9/10 pants were awful, but I was near tears at the idea of even putting an 11/12 on.  I apologized to the sales girl and left with my daughters.  I held in the tears until after dropping them off at their dad's.

It's painful to feel this way.  I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself and shopping is supposed to be fun.  I feel like I have sacrificed so much of myself and that I'll never be happy with it again.  I know I need to be patient, but it's so hard.  I'm trying to hang on.

To help myself feel a little better - in between random crying from being so emotional about returning to work/my body/ life in general - I went tanning for the first time in nearly a year.  It felt good.  And, after that, with the sling working, I feel a little more positive I can actually make it through week one.

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