11 Days, 11 Nights...

Can't believe it's been 11 days since my last post.  Not much has really changed or transpired... I skipped my weigh in last week (my one free pass).  I start work tomorrow - guess that's a big deal.  Little Dude will be in tow with me.  I just spent the past hour trying to figure out how to use the baby sling I received as a gift 6 years ago with Lil Q - never figured it out then, but after watching an online video (yes, it's that complex), I think I got it.  And, it will help me free up my hands so I can hold him and work in office at the same time. 

Returning to work has me completely stressed - stomach in knots - random tears, the works.  He's coming with me, so it isn't that... it's just knowing the baby moon is almost over -- knowing I have to somehow balance getting things done and keeping a newborn from crying for 12 hours a week (yes, I know I'm lucky it's only 4 hours a day for 3 days...) and having to deal with the crap shoot that is my job again.  We didn't win the lottery while I was on leave, so I have to return.

All this extra stress and I added more by not losing any weight in these past 11 days.  I'm staying about the same on the crappy home scale at 140.5 lbs.  Have to go weigh in tomorrow for the contest - and for new motivation.  I went shopping yesterday for new work clothes with the girls to be my fashion advisers.  I found a nice first outfit at JCPenney, but they were so busy and overrun with people, I didn't buy it and went to Maurices - one of my all time favorite stores. 

I was pleasantly surprised to find that during my maternity leave they had remodeled and doubled the size of the store! However, the thrills soon ended when I started trying on clothes.  I fit into a 7/8, but even the 9/10 was causing too much muffin top.  My butt isn't the problem - nor my thighs -- it's still the extra thick waist and extra skin.  Ugh.  I couldn't bring myself to purchase an 11/12.  I left after trying on a few things... Now, I should have bought a few things - and those size 9/10 pants were awful, but I was near tears at the idea of even putting an 11/12 on.  I apologized to the sales girl and left with my daughters.  I held in the tears until after dropping them off at their dad's.

It's painful to feel this way.  I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself and shopping is supposed to be fun.  I feel like I have sacrificed so much of myself and that I'll never be happy with it again.  I know I need to be patient, but it's so hard.  I'm trying to hang on.

To help myself feel a little better - in between random crying from being so emotional about returning to work/my body/ life in general - I went tanning for the first time in nearly a year.  It felt good.  And, after that, with the sling working, I feel a little more positive I can actually make it through week one.

W T F !

What.The.Fuck or What.the.Shit! Whatever suits your fancy... because that's what I got to say about my weight this morning.  After pounding over 64 oz of H20 and keeping at 1500 calories, I expected some of that water weight would purge itself from my system.  Nope.  The CRAP scale has me UP A POUND!  Fuck.  Now I REALLY don't want to go in there and weigh.

And, to anyone who reads this blog (no body) I apologize for my ripe language this am, but I just can't help it.

I think I'll just face the freaking music and go in there.  God I hate to see it reverse itself.  I really am half tempted to pull day two of being really good in the hopes that tomorrow's scale will be a better reflection... but then honestly, I only give myself 4 days between weigh ins (supposed to weigh in again next Monday...).

I'm still undecided...  so, I'm going to keep my readers (no one) hanging!

Eight Weeks Postpartum

Eight weeks sounds like a long time and such a short time all at once.  Today, I hit the links for the first time since I had the baby - and I was exhausted by hole 5.  Good thing we only signed on for 9.  I was a bit frustrated with myself, but felt better when I remember that it has ONLY been eight weeks.  It's gonna take some time and the best way to get there is to get active and get moving and of course - to allow myself to have a little patience.

However, I was a bit discouraged at my weigh in - in fact, I was so discouraged that I decided my weigh in was some how off base didn't count.  Here's what happened - I weighed this morning on the crappy scale and was holding steady at 140 (yes, up slightly from Saturday's low of 139...).  So, I drank my coffee and ran the girls to camps and headed out with the baby to the nutrition place.  I ordered my shake and weighed - I weighed in right at 147!? WTF!  I should have been down according to my home scale - is my good luck weightloss finally catching the turn?  Am I going to have to actually try really hard to lose weight now?  DRAT!

The chick that runs the place (and does that measurements) was out, so I quickly slipped my shoes back on and decided I would come back the next day and try again.  I drank alot of water to flush my system and stayed around 1500 calories.  Hopefully, it's just a bit of extra water weight and I'll drop again tomorrow.  I sure hope so!  I know I'm getting lower and lower on the scale and that's gonna mean it will get harder and harder. 

But, I'm in it for the long haul - and I will get down.  I think a good short term goal should include a swimsuit (GASP!) for an Independence Day bash.  Even if it's a one piece, it's 4.5 weeks away... I bet I could drop close to 10 in that time. 

Oh, and not to complain, but the BEST part of being pregnant was that my face was crystal clear - apparently that's not the case any longer. 

Memorial Day Blues

Too funny - I started writing this post to rant about memorial day -- the swimwear and pool attire, alcohol and other and junk food -- and how I was so sure it would be no fun for me.  The post was left opened and titled and I'm not ashamed to admit when (occasionally) I am wrong.

It was so great to hang with friends (both old and new).  It felt good for Matt and I to be out - with the baby - and to start living our life as a family.  And, it felt good to drink beer - even though I limited myself to 3 beers over the course of over 7 hours :)  It was great - and the best part was learning that a very good friend of mine is pregnant! And, she's using me, my weight loss and this very blog as inspiration.  Maybe she should write a pregnancy journey blog.  I wish I had done that very thing - recorded my thoughts and frustrations and ranted and raved and then also poured my wishes and desires onto a record of sorts for my new little guy.  Pregnancy is amazing - it's also hard on a woman emotionally and physically in ways men just can't understand - but it affects everyone in the family.  I'm glad it's reached its end and that we have B.B. to hold in our arms - I hope it made us stronger - only time will really tell.

Memorial Day was great.  Another day closer to feeling normal again.

In regard to my weight loss - which is really what this blog is about - it's going very well!  I'm down to about 11lbs according to my home scale (and NO, I haven't bought a new one yet...).  I think I figured out the error of my ways and why it wasn't working properly.  Two days ago, I weighed in at 139! Which is exciting - the only frustrating part is I'm STILL not fitting into my pants.  The biggest problem is my waist line - it's still too  big to accommodate most of my pants.  And, I did try my one piece on - I can't even fit into the damn thing yet.  Ok, that's a complete lie.  I CAN fit into it, but it's actually a tankini and my fat splurges out through the center seam.  Ahhh... maybe by Independence Day... that's what I'm shooting for!

Slow Progress

Picture of my face - still puffy fat, but not AS fat - at an event last Thursday evening.  And, Yes, I'm wearing the same outfit as the previous pic because it's the only nice outfit that fits at the moment. 


And, no, it's not nice to use my pics from the day after childbirth to compare it... but it does show good progress!

Confused

Last week, I lost 2 lbs and I was pretty certain when I walked in I might gain - so, I cheated.  I weighed before my morning breakfast.  Even with the so called cheating, I was surprised when I saw the results - because while I thought I might hold steady or lose an ounce or two at best, I didn't expect 2 pounds!

This week was pretty much the same story, but I couldn't "cheat" again and decided to go in and face the music.

I lost another pound and a half.

Are you confused? Well, I am.  I was really disciplined yesterday and stayed around 1500 calories.  I got back on my ol' home scale again today and it still showed no progress... making me wonder if my scale is unreliable.  Maybe - after all, I've had it for 8 or 9 years and it isn't digital.

Now, on to the online shopping quest for a new scale.   And, I would like to note how awesome it truly is that I lost weight, but that my scale was broken -- I wish that were always the case... :)

Banana Smoothie

I'm usually a chocolate girl, but today, made a banana smoothie for breakfast.  All I can say is YUM!

2 Scoops Vanilla Shake Powder
1 Tablespoon Protein Powder
1/2 Banana
1 Cap of Banana Extract (Imitation)
1 Packet of Splenda
1 Cup Skim Milk
8oz Ice Cubes

I put the milk in the blender first and then add all the rest aside from ice - blend it and then blend it with the ice.  It's delicious!

Despite feeling crappy yesterday from that AWFUL pic (reminding myself that I have had awful pics while skinny too...), I did feel great at the AWC event - it was a wine tasting and yes, I probably should have passed on the wine, but I didn't - we also didn't have but a drink of each wine so I only had maybe a glass and a 1/2 (MAYBE).  Everyone was  so wonderfully encouraging - and complimentary about my skinny jeans I wore - which really helped re-motivate me.  Can wait until I'm back in my REALLY skinny jeans!!! LOL

I weighed in on the home scale this morning, and here's my stats:
HOME SCALE
Prepregnancy Weight:  128
Highest Pregnancy Weight:   165 (although I don't know - it might have been higher!)
Weight Gained:  37lbs
Current Weight:  141lbs
Weight Lost:  24lbs
Pounds to go:  13lbs!